Do you think of alcoholism as a mental illness or a choice? My name is Vanessa and I am an alcoholic. Has judgement already kicked in and you’re starting to form an opinion of me from that one statement? If so, don’t worry, I can assure you you’re not the only one!

This is my story about how alcoholism affected my life and the truth about how I was treated during my deepest moments of despair. Most people seem to think once you admit you have a problem, that’s the hardest part done. In my experience, this was just the beginning of complete chaos. I struggled to get help and ended up completely desperate and fighting for my life. I have written this very personal account because in my case there was a huge lack of understanding on this subject and it seemed people around me were full of judgement. I felt I needed to write about the dark thoughts I had, and the crazy things I did during active addiction, so that others can know they are not alone with the insane head that alcoholism brings. I felt so alone until I reached out and realized other people had similar thoughts and behaviors as me, caused by the illness that is alcoholism. This is an honest account of what happened to me and the way I was treated by medical staff and alcohol centers when trying to get help.

This is not just a happily-ever-after story, although the end result is recovery. It’s a truthful account of the decade I lost through drinking, the ridiculous situations I got myself into, and the judgement I received from all and how it still affects my life now, years into sobriety.