WARNING: This book contains zero affirmations, no manifestation techniques, and absolutely no gentle encouragement.

Tired of self-help books that coddle you with empty promises and positive thinking? Exhausted from manifesting abundance while your bank account screams in poverty? Sick of being told to journal your way to success while your life remains a spectacular dumpster fire?

You Don't Need a Life Coach, You Need a Lobotomy is the anti-self-help book for people who are allergic to inspirational quotes but still want to get their sh*t together.

In this brutally honest guide, you'll discover:

• Why your vision board is just expensive garbage (and what to do instead)
• How your morning routine is making everyone hate you
• The TRUFFLE PIG Principle: how you're sniffing out worthless crap and calling it gold
• Why your ex wasn't a narcissist—you're just annoying
• Dating app strategies that won't leave you emotionally damaged (just kidding, they all will)
• How to network without mentioning your podcast that no one listens to
• The sweet release of giving up on unrealistic expectations

This book won't change your life—because you're the only one who can do that, and let's be honest, you probably won't. But it will make you laugh, cringe in recognition, and maybe—just maybe—inspire you to stop blaming the universe for your problems and start making actual changes.

Perfect for fans of anti-motivation, realistic expectations, and anyone who's ever bought a gratitude journal they never used. Get ready for the most refreshing slap in the face you have ever received.