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Towering at six feet seven inches, Crouch is prized for his self-deprecating humour, having famously answered the question “what would you be if you weren’t a footballer?” with the one liner “a virgin”. At the same time, he has had an incredible career, from World Cups to Champions League finals. He has scored more headed goals than anyone else in Premiership history and has a better goals-to-minute on the pitch ratio for England than even Michael Owen. A humble professional with a great sense of humour, Crouch is one of the few players that is liked by fans of all clubs.

From the moment you swipe right or lock eyes across a crowded bar, you step onto a rollercoaster ride of dating, first kisses and romantic weekends away. Then before you know it, you're meeting the in-laws, moving in together and walking down the aisle. It's not all highs, there are lows too: you've got your other half's annoying habits to discover and you need to learn how to win every argument in pursuit of always being right. When kids come along, sexy text messages make way for school whatsapp groups and suddenly you have no time for one another.

Often recruited before they've worn long trousers, today's footballers become superstars who earn huge amounts without ever learning much about the world beyond the training ground. But what do these Peter Pans, whose careers end just as most people's are getting going, do with the rest of their lives? Crouch speaks from his own experience and discusses with fellow former professionals too—just how do you safely release a near seven-foot striker back into the wild?

In How to be a Footballer, Peter Crouch took us into a world of bad tattoos and even worse haircuts, a world where you’re on the pitch one minute, spending too much money on a personalised number plate the next. In I, Robot, he lifts the lid even further on the beautiful game. We will learn about Gareth Bale’s magic beans, the Golden Rhombus of Saturday night entertainment and why Crouchy’s dad walks his dog wearing an England tracksuit from 2005.