Crackhead

Trevor Malloy is just your average dead-inside council admin from the crumbling northern town of Smackleton—single, depressed, and one Greggs sausage roll away from a breakdown. Then one night, he smokes crack. Now he’s hurtling face-first into the seedy underbelly of small-town Britain: from pimping his girlfriend out of a stolen ice cream van to launching a crypto-dogging empire called DoggChain. Along the way, he botches robberies, runs a cactus porn studio in a garden centre, sells fake funerals to real pensioners, and starts an OnlyFans agency for people with extremely niche fetishes.

Trevor’s back on the streets and this time, he’s not just on crack… he’s on spice. After serving a slapstick 18-month sentence (of which he served only 12 for “good-ish behaviour”), Trevor reunites with Chanelle his pipe-smoking partner-in-crime and sometime prostitute, sometime businesswoman — outside prison. They return to their spiritual home: Wetherspoons, where £1.99 can still buy you a pint and a sense of delusion. But things have changed. Trevor’s got a new addiction. Chanelle’s got new ideas. And Britain’s most dysfunctional couple are about to unleash hell all over again.

After accidentally selling woodworm-infested wooden dildos to amputees as prosthetic legs, the infamous pair flee Smackelston aboard the Skagsville Express, a stolen luxury train turned mobile crack den. What follows is an utterly deranged, continent-hopping catastrophe of drugs, depravity, and deeply misguided business ventures.

Welcome to a world where class is dead, decency’s been pegged into oblivion, and Britain’s answer to a burning skip fire is on a global rampage of tits, tech, and total fucking chaos in this special edition of 'The Crackhead' books by Stu Armstrong.